hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
