just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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