i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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