just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
