No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
