shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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