I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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