I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
