I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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