So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
