Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
