I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
