i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
