You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
