Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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