woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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