omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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