Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We don't watch enough power rangers
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
