She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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