Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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