Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
