I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
