cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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