When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
