New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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