For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
