i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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