My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
