i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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