Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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