Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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