Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
