You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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