I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
