Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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