i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
