Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
