Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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