so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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