i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
