o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
