Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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