Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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