12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
