go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You are the jesus of drinking
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
