Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
