Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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