so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
