I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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