I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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