I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
