Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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