you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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