We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
