I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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