I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
