Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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