I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
