Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
